What's happening.

My my.

Somebody please hear me. I dunno whats happening to me. I really don't. Got a dressing down by my teacher. I feel really bad. I mean about myself. I feel so like a hypocrite. Am i? am I?

Why m i feeling this way? I really really want to do well in Church, school at home and in my spiritual walk with God. What happened along the way? Why do i start feeling so down? Jeevitha's death brought about a great change in my life. Why is that so?

It has caused me to think how meaningless how life is. Besides, I feel like i've not been myself recently. And, i know that i sometimes behave immaturely. But sometimes, its really a part of me. I am really LOST.

Just that day i was really impacted and wanted to work hard for my promos. But why m i starting to procrastinate and lament now? Have I given up hope on God? or m i just tired with the way things are?

Have i lost self respect or what? was i crazy carrying a bad attitude around in school ?

Or is it the people around me? Has my morale dropped bcos of the people in sch or my teachers? Or has the sch system really tore my world of hopes away? Has ministry really been the one to pull me away?

Apparently it does'nt seem to be the case. I agree that i go to church more often than before. more than anyone else. But, that does'nt mean i can't do it right? have i lost the support already? Don't i have a life and a right to choose as well?

Isn't it my life to handle and control? Do they have to add pressure to my life? Am i not human as well? can't i even have the liberty to do the things that I've always wanted to do? Can't i even have the chance to face a rough patch in life, and pull through without authorities' interference?

I tried, i really tried/ Why does it seem like I've not even progressed a single bit? It feels like they have given up on me. When I say that, I meant that they gave up trusting in me. Trusting me in handling my own life. I know i make mistakes, i know i'm not super. but i also know that at the end of the day, God is with me. Trusting in Him is my only solution. But does it seem that people are doubting the strength of God? Why does it seem that I'm the stupid one to trust in God.

Church commitment is not little. I agree, but at least doing it really makes me happy. God's tasks for me makes me realise and learn what I've never thought i could do. Besides, everytime I do His tasks, i start loving people more and more. I start feeling faith rise within me. Its different from that of school homeworks. Besides, people in church are so much a part of me now. I really love being in the house of God than to dwell in the school. Facades I never fathomed about. But stir and abrupts my spirit. No peace, no sense of belonging. No voice, no life. I know that academics is important,i really do. But, to achieve great results is not by doing it this way. I'm a normal being who needs my life too. Church commitments has become a part of me, its my joy of doing such. Its not a chore, but a joy. Studying is also smth that i really enjoy. But why has the system made it so dreadful?

Everytime i think of YJC, i'm always seeing a person carrying a heavy bag, hunched back, with no energy to enjoy his walk in school. And a sense of deep solace within that person.Look around me, practically every student who used to be so joyful are looking EXACTLY the way as I've thought. And those who don't basically has no life! School is their ONLY life. They are happy about having a school bounded life. Well, I know that JC life meant to be like that, but isn't Yj a little too much? No wonder we are at the bottom of the ranks. School hrs are long, students are literally forced into a pit. And lockers! I bet YJ is the only school that has NO LOCKERS!
Dusty environment, broken and dirty equipments. Teachers think they know the world so well. Bad organising team. A team that can't even plan the whole school system well that will give enough time for students to rest. C'mon! no wonder my classmates are getting depressed every now and then, no wonder everyday i step into school, i see moody faces, and negative looks and attitude everywhere i go. No wonder my mood seem so bad.

BAD BAD BAD.

But i'm not giving up my life just like that. I'm still gonna strive to study, graduate by year 2 and go to NUS. I'm not determine to let people despise my God. I'm going to keep studying. The only thing which I find hard that may obstruct my progress is basically the people around me. I don't need my teachers to burden me, and add to my load. I'm self awared of myself. I don't need my mum to threaten me with pastors. I don't need my friends and teachers and sometimes family members to place eme in the frame they thought i would be. I just need trust and encouragement to push me towards success.

I shall shut my mouth from now, just seeking and thinking from God. God neevr gave up on me.Why should i give up? I WILL SUCCEED AND DRIVE PEOPLE TO THINK AND RECONSIDER THEIR THOUGHT ABOUT LIFE AND GOD!!!


Love,HANnah 2.0