sometimes, i feel so invisible especially when i feel the heat

Sometimes, i feel so empty. I feel maybe it's the intensity i'm feeling in my life. then i think to myself, am i an escapist or what? why on earth do i feel so lousy everytime i face my mountain? it feels that i'm back to those days of constrictions and pressures of life, restrictions and being controlled all over again, but the worse thing is, i have no one to talk to about it. there's always this feeling that nobody truely cares. nobody's willing to hear who i really am. but than again, nobody will understand what i'm going through even if they heard me out. sometimes i really really wonder about my future, what am i going to do i life? my path is so unclear, so uncertain, so unpredictable. i dont blame them for understanding simply because even i dont really know what goes on in my little small heart and thoughts. i cant even comprehend whether it is an issue of schoolwork, relationship, or even regrets... worse still, guilt.. or simply just fatigue. i do feel that i'm a little crazy at times and so emotional and temperamental. i just hv to do something to get rid of the frustration, heat, and pressures. but right now, it seems i'm caught and tangled in the same web all over again. God, help me please. they hv no idea how much i need You in my life. :( Love, Hannah

the promise

well, as i was listening to Jay chou's dandelion's promise, i just decided to pause for a moment because there's so much to contemplate and reminisce suddenly. I had a good time explaining to my boyfriend about the city harvest controversies and i hadn't noticed his displeasure, but i realized that caused much thought-provoking moments in him.

he sent me a really long text after that telling me how much he appreciated my understanding towards him all these time, but he fears that one day we will lose our relationship because of a difference in belief systems.

i do believe in these stuff as well, but i honestly feel that it isn't the real issue if we ever lose our relationship, it's the love that will keep us together. the truth is, we probably can live our lives together as a couple together, a very loving couple. But my heart fears more for the part we depart this earth. There's so much uncertainty, even though i know that there's gonna be many objections and judgment coming from our surroundings, especially mine, i will not give up because of my selfishness.

However, i feel sad because my boyfriend does not understand why i am so zealous over my convictions. indeed i failed as a christian, but i am not perfect and i have limitations too. i've sinned so much yet i do not know how to turn them all back. i do however, hoped in my heart that someday he will be saved somehow. but that is just a little part buried in my heart that i probably will never be able to share with him until something major happens someday. But until that day comes, i pray that he will know God.

As for my heart, i feel that there's so much i wanna pour out right here. the truth is, i can actually imagine my future with my boyfriend, and i honestly look forward to it, just that i do have a little regret in my heart. but i dunno what's it about.

honestly, i feel that life has been really peaceful in the last few months after all that has happened, and suddenly, things are back to normal, but beyond that, there is an unspoken emptiness and silence within me. I don't think anyone has noticed that in me, and even if they did, they wouldn't say anything because the lines have been drawn clear.

But sometimes, when i look back, i feel that at that point of time, it is the most unselfish thing to do, taking a step back and even disappearing so that life can progress. I know that there's no point in talking about this now, but i fear that i would never get this chance to speak my inner thoughts and feelings as life progresses on. They probably don't know that i still think and miss them very much. In spite of all the unhappiness i faced previously, they were as a matter of fact, still very much a part of me. They were the people who taught me how to love beyond my capacity, to keep running even life isn't good, and to stay faithful and committed. They too, taught me the skills of pastoring, of speaking, of loving people and of carrying a great attitude and administrating. he was the person who taught me who i was, and he too did a lot for me. As a friend, he was the one who did things for me without complaining. and i understood that, even though subconsciously he made me doubt my worth.

i left the place i loved most mainly because of him, because i had to let him have his space as he probably feels awkward toward me, and i left also to get over him and to break my promise towards him. yes, it was all part of my wishful thinking. he might not have known it, but i did love him very much. and up to this day, i do wish we could talk like very close friends as we were in the past. But all is gone, and there's no more turning back, not even when he says anything to me, because my heart is no longer open to vulnerabilities anymore. my heart has been cased up with a thick thick layer of wall and pressure. and only opened 50% of itself to my boyfriend. i have to admit that it is not his fault. it was my own stupidity.

But now, that episode of life is already over, and the new episode of life has arrived, i'm much calm a person now, happy at times, crazy most of the times, but suppressed when i meet people in life. the only time i truly enjoy myself is when i get alone or with my boyfriend. Other than that, even my family bond has died down. :'( Nevertheless, i cannot return to my past, and life has to move on. And the truth is, i need to force myself to grow up no matter how much i lament to return back to what i always dreamt of. Time to face reality and buck up. The people that i once were so close to are slowly disappearing from my life and moved on way ahead of me as well.

nevermind that. i will continue living my life, and update on the next episode of my life again. this freaking idoitic technology made my stupid blogpost look like i'm scezophrenic lehs. lost half of my post away D: D: D: forget it.

on silent nights like this

Hey there,

Can't fall asleep? Me too....
Think I've been so tied down with school work stress, I can't really slp now. But I'm just thinking abt life. 4months into this relationship n I feel bliss as usual. But it's in times like this I start to doubt myself. and 2b honest, I sometime question my value. But what else can I do but to ride over my insecurities and strive for what I believe is best for me. There's so much 2b greatful for in life, so I'm happy. Happier than before :) I'm making a trip to church tmrw! I'm so excited. My bf is going with me. He's a good man really. Apart from being an ordinary young man, he always has my interests at heart. He wouldn't do things for personal pleasures. I do look forward to a bright future with him. If only he's saved. Looking forward to that day. Alrights, heading to slp :) gd night world :)

Love,
Hannah
AnEBFG

maybe i was the replacement?

ok,

i'm just thinking about life, and how my relationship came into place so quickly. At first i'm thinking that maybe i'm trying to replace the person in my heart, and i thought i should take it slowly because i do not want to hurt anybody in this process. But the situation just got a little complicated today. I'm wondering now if this is really my cup of tea.

What i do understand is that i've been trying to make life a little difficult for my boyfriend by trying to push him higher, but things don't go as i thought it would. And the worst thing happened. we were at katong 112 chilling with some friends, but i had no idea what came into him, perhaps the conversation that went with myt friends about Audi A7 and how Ryan's neighbour has a ferari and my old neighbours too, but the thing that i felt hit his heart was that understanding i grew up in a well-to-do environment, and how i told him he has to upgrade himself. What i however failed to tell him is that we could get through all of these together. I can't fathom the thought how much i'm losing this man now.

Truth is, i did realize his disappearance while playing pool last night, but i didn't know the severity of the situation until this morning when he told me that he wanted to take sometime alone. I didn't understand why, but i was telling him that i loved him for who he was not because of what he was. i meant to tell him deeper, but i didn't want to do it out of impulse, what i wanted to tell him was that i loved him to go through life with him, for better or for worse, for rich or for poor. But i lacked the courage to, because of the immaturity of our relationship and how i didn't want it to come out wrongly. i did not know what else to say, i didn't know how to make it any better anymore.

As for some recollections, i'm thinking maybe the casual mention of his ex girlfriend brought some memories back to himself, and slapped reality into his face. That he was poor, ugly? and that wasn't what i thought, but what he thought. Nevertheless, i should think that he probably is looking back at his past relationship and i would like to use the term reminscining the past, but the truth is, she broke his heart. Which i cannot blame and i cannot tell him to shut out from, but probably, i'm contemplating, he is preparing to cut himself from me. With what he thinks about a change in environment. He is preparing himself for the worst, or maybe preparing me for a breakup which i am not surprised by it if it does happen anytime.

i do not know what is to happen, and i do not know how to react to situation when it comes, but i guess, take one step at a time. i'm so gonna pour my heart into studying hard and doing well in this endeavour. All the heartache from this relationship should not get in my way to do well.

And i guess, i do hope that SC will be fine. Take care Sc, i love you. You are not a replacement, and i really appreciated all the things you have done for me. I'm honoured to have been with you this past 2 months. There's so much that i'd like to tell you, but i have to hold them for the right time. THANK YOU! Good night dear! :)

Love,
Hannah

Falling in love with you more and more day by day

hmms, i think that i'm letting go and falling more in love with ssc more each day. I start to see him changing more and more for the better. If he can be changed by God, i will marry him. hahaha, but now it's still too early to start talking of such things. Nevertheless, my quest for him is to give him a chance to grow more manly :)

what was previous, is previous. what's mine will be mine, what isn't will nvr be mine. :) :)

are u really true? :)

well well well, i'm starting to erase him from my life already. took me that long and that much effort to get over him. i guess, it's time to move on and rough it out in life. That man, will always be my best friend, because we never had the courage to move further than that anyway. Nevertheless, i do wish the best for him.

As for me, i have known a new person who i find really attractive. It's funny how the first time i saw him, i somehow felt that i would know him someday. Turns out that as time passed, we have so close backgrounds. He was from my secondary school, a friend's older brother, and he is indeed a gentleman. From who i've known him to be, he's really very nice. Known him for awhile but he has already sent me home a few times. Though he doesn't seem to have a lively life like how hay used to, he's like a guy with quiet confidence. He's cool and straight forward too. The thing i really admire about him is his gentleness despite him in the elite - OCS. His boyishness and innocence too. They make me smile. It's funny how things seem to be working out between us, but i always wonder in my heart, can i really have this man? :) But we have yet to know each other deeper, but i guess there's lots to discover. Thank God i found friend in such a climate. He clicks with me in a lot of things, perspectives etc. And the plus thing, he's fit too! :) :) it's my motivation to keep fit too! That's why we're gonna run tonight! :) Love hanging out with this friend. ;)

Love,
Hannah
Building quiet confidence.

Still thinking about you no matter how hard i try to forget you

HYH, i still can't forget you no matter how much i try to. You are on my mind so often i can barely give any other guys any chance. you have been the one on my heart since i dunno when, but when you are there, the door's closed on the other men.

I do not say this proudly, but i seriously miss you so much. If what Kok hong told me was the truth, then hurry tell me that. You barely know what truely is going on. you barely understand what's on my heart. you only stepped into the thorny grounds of my heart, you haven't seen the roses and the beauty just as yet. If only. if only you wanted me as badly as i want you. If only i were a man, and you were the lady. If only i had not fallen so deep into this, if only you liked me more than i liked you...

I always believed in you anyway, and i never saw a loser in you to begin with. I always saw a potential. Somebody i identified with. your presence in my life has cushioned my world, you away from me, makes me feel like a goldfish out of water, like a little chick out of its nest. Hay, where are you. don't be gone from me. I will stay apart from your world watching you. you mean a lot to me, because i cannot be so selfish. i cannot want. But i just need to air how much i miss you here. It's my only way of letting my little heart cry out silently. Nobody knows, nobody asks me or talks to me about you. Nobody. But i miss you no matter how far apart you seem to be from me.

Love,
Hannah
Silenced lovelorn