hmms.
Once again in my place of solitude. i guess, its the best place i get to express myself - the true self. A weak, flaw-full, back to the truth, a human. No matter how much i am a leader in life, the truth remains, i'm still human at the end of the day. I do the right things, do the wrong things, make mistakes, fall in love, fall out of love, get frustrated, get emotional, feel depressed and then i get happy all over again.
Technically, i've officially become 21 years of age, i'm no longer young, no longer a child, no longer a protected individual. However the more i move on, the more i feel small about myself, the more i feel like i'm not maturing but backtracking.
The older i get, the more confused i become. The more i feel for people yet, insecure about the choices i make in life. I start to think of things i've never thought about in life, the things that have not bugged me in a long while.
Take for example the other day, it was my birthday, and the truth was, its the most miserable birthday in my entire life on earth. Honestly, i've never felt so lonely before. Birthdays used to mean so much to me, but this time round, it was more of a meaning i wanted to find in this 21st year of my life. I appreciate my mother's effort of taking me out on a one-on-one time with her, and i certainly enjoyed the presence of my best friend that was once upon so close with me, but somehow had our friendship strained in life. Nevertheless, i felt that she was the person who could understand me despite our distance for a long time. Values and goals might have changed, but somehow, that was still a connection in understanding. I so wished we were back to those days of innocence and talkativeness crapping our way thru the night. Still, i thank God for her and another friend who truly spent time with me.
Not to deny the truth, i was really disappointed and sad with what had happened on that day. him who was supposed to be my best friend, i don't know whether on purpose or not turned my invitation to catching a movie down. The truth is this, he really had the choice to say no, and i honestly had no right to be angry or upset, whatever the case, but i just got very disappointed anyway. I felt like a miser in life, and not the first time in life, in fact many times i felt the greatest fool on earth because of him. I was honestly angry with myself for having been angry with him because for him to be my best friend was my choice, not his. I honestly felt that i was putting him in a spot that he doesn't deserve. And i didn't know what she told him to awaken his conscience, i felt that it was all too late when he turned up because in my heart, i was stabbed through and through again.
i guess what i'm saying is unfair and it hurts me as much as i type these words out, i feel that this gulf between us isn't so simple. sometimes i feel that being his friend is such a blessing, but also many times i feel forced to drop all these thoughts and go back to square one. i'm such a selfish person. so selfish that i'm starting to be frustrated with myself. i see the ugliness in me that i feel so much like hiding in a cave and just not talk to anyone, not think about all these frustrations. But i guess the only way out is to let God heal my pain. Such a weakling. such a pathetic person... but i guess i'm still choosing to love.
I bet Jesus must have felt that way when i rejected him time and time again whenever i failed him because of my carnality. Yet, He was able to love me still. So, if that was what He did, i will, by His strength, do what He did.
This man, he doesn't know what i'm thinking, he doesn't see what i see... Well, let me tell you what i see in this man. he isn't a small person, he isn't the heartless sort. i don't see him because of his muscles, fitness nor achievements. what i saw, was his heart. his heart for people. i saw a strong building foundation in him. i saw the wisdom of a man whom had not been unleashed, the potential of a responsible man, the security he could give and a commitment he would put into his wife, children and family. a man i can trust and i know i can submit to. The love for his dad and mom and brother, more importantly, for God. i see silent convictions despite his outward appearance of being swayed. A respectable despite his talkativeness, yet i see a hero. my hero. a non-replaceable hero. he might not see himself that way, but that was what i saw. the very first time i made my mind that he was gonna be my best friend.
well, i need to grow out of my world. he has his choice in life. and i will respect it no matter how much my heart hurts. at least i know that i let that little chick go out of my hand gently and handed it to God.
Now i feel much better. But i feel like a lousy leader. My people are astray, living their own lives. I need to be broken even more. lost with what i want to do with my life.
Love,
Hannah
AnEBFG
*tired but still running
