Disappointed

Are all men plain self-centred or is it just me that meet self-centred men all my life? with the kind of man my father is, to the kind of man my boyfriend - potential husband. Disappointment is all i can hold in my head, and what i feel in my heart right now. A leopard never changes its spots no matter how much you try to convince yourself that it would change. I've seen the hard truth, with all these people adding more day by day. everything when first considerations are made is MYSELF. Seriously, when i want to talk something else, first topic is always themselves. TIRED, CAR SPOIL, FML.... then they remember about the other party.

this makes me wonder if they truly love you or just wanting to keep a relationship going on. Seriously, in the past, he would fight to fetch me to and fro anywhere everywhere, even though he did not have a car, he wouldn't mind doing that extra things just to ensure my safety.. but now? seriously... i have to plead with him to fetch me from a convenient spot for him. HE WOULDN'T GO ALL THE WAY FOR ME. and he complains his mood is bad. for god's sake, whose mood isn't bad? he's tired i'm tired too. he has no money, even more so me... but when i received my gst voucher, i was still thinking of sharing this with him. I think i should not bother.

he's tired and he goes to slp, he thinks he has done his part by preparing the shower, preparing my bottle, and what massaging me thinking i'm tired? pls. i don't need all these when the person doesn't know my heart or even understand me. I'm upset, i'm disappointed, i'm just... sad.

But at the end of the day, i can only blame myself for making the wrong choices in life.

and for him, i guess it's the same. perhaps one day we will come to a decision that this should stop, and seriously, i think life would be much more easier for me. i don't need a partner, i just need someone who communicates - listening 80% talk 20% and understands 95% of me most of the time. not the superficial kind of understanding.

feeling so pointless, with no aims in life

Hey there, Well lately I'm on my semester break n I have pretty much nothing to do. I guess I am home for no particular reason and I really am yearning for a life of my own. I just ended tuition and my boyfriend sent me home. Though I missed him a lot,the ride home was boring and a really unenjoyable one. I guess he was unhappy bcos I encouraged him to study. Which totally disinterested him in the first place. Well, homestly I did not force him to study but he was always comparing his rank with his peers n everything boiled down to their certificate. It's a paperchase society n in his line of work, qualifications was important. I guess he doesn't really like it anyway but as a girlfriend I trymy best 2b supportive in everything he decides to. I guess this is all I can really do for him since he has a mindof his own too. What I noticed though is that we've really gone thru quite a series of quarrels n upsetting moments. I did look back at all my collection of photographs n rralized that we were so much more happier as a couple in the past, I really start to ponder about it. Maybe I had been too easy on him n lets him get whatever he wants n whatever he wants to do. Sometimes bcos of that I don't feel qualified to be his wife, let alone be his girlfriend. Everytime he mentions studying, he says it's bcos of me he went to study n he indirectly blames me for making him lose his fitness, his time spent with me n for himself. What he hasn't really noticed is that he has been rather influenced by his car n friends on another end. For instance, he was frequently using the time to pump petrol and therefore sacrificing his slp on thw weekdays, washing his car n spending so much money on his car accessories which honestly isn't needed. Yes, he does spend his money on me, but honestly I have nvr really wanted him to spend on me the way he has. Nevertheless, my perception of encouraging him to study is him choosing to prioritise his studies above me, which means that right now in his life, the level of importance is: HONDA FIT, UNISIM, friends, work den hannah and then his fitness n his family. I am a bad girlfriend for making my boyfriend study against his will. For forcing him to fight for his future. And I hv robbed him of his time n his life. Honestly, I really can't help but think to myself if I actually deserve this man, if I actually made the right choice. Dating him sometimes really challenges my emotions and my values n life principles. Often I feel that I lose my freedom to be myself too when I'm with him, and often I do not see a happy ending between us. Even though I reallyloved him by my side, and when he tries, he is really quite nice n really makes me feel worth the fight in life. But recently, I feel that my motivation to keep loving this man has dropped and the confidence I would carry for a successful marriage has really deterioted to the extend I seriously feel like ending this relationship if we hasn't any commitments such as the flat n other things. Let's wait and see bahs. Love, Hannah

still trying to smile even five days after you've been gone

This is my dog Rover. He is a Japanese spitx mix, and has lived with my family for the past 9 to 10 years, since we adopted him from his previous owner at 5 years old. Sadly, he passed away on tuesday, due to liver disease, and we were really saddened by this loss even though we anticipated that he wouldn't be living long. It is sad because i'm so used to having Rover there to cheer me up even though he wasn't exactly a very obedient dog. However, his very fluffy and different attitude cheered me up everytime i felt low, when i had so much problems in secondary school, in Jc and even with my family. Rover, was the only living thing at home who got away with everything even if he made mistakes. Probably because he is a dog and ignorant of so many things, everyone at home has a soft spot for him. I remember how i would worship God while playing piano, and i would be tearing, and Rover would come and lick my knee. And i remember how my family was out and Rover would sneak into the room where my mum hid a box of JCO donuts, and he would eat them up and leave traces of the crumbs in the room, and all over his mouth would be pink and brown icing. Another time, he was so curious to see the world he jump off the back of a pick-up mum was driving along the expressway and was hanging loosely from his leash tied to the railing of the pick-up. Thank God he didn't lose his life there as I quickly ran over to pick him up after he managed to free himself from his leash and dropped at the road shoulder along the expressway. After that the Rover in shocked regained his consciousness and started growling and braking at everyone in the car just like he was scolding us for putting him behind alone. Other times just brings more tears to my eyes, as i remember bathing him when he was younger, and accidentally cutting his skin off his ear while i was trying to cut the matted fur away, though it was painful, Rover screamed, but he didn't bite me. I felt so bad, i had to press his head to my heart and said sorry to him. Many times i would bring him out with me, to the reservoir where he would chase monkeys and try to be their friends. Once i even brought him to holland V, and because of the crowd there, he was so afraid, he hid behind me legs, and I had to carry him in my arms. In the last days, i tried to bring out for a walk before he left, but he didn't want to as he feared us abandoning him like his previous owner. i didn't want Rover to think that we didn't love him so i brought him back into the house. The day the family had reunion dinner out, Rover was home alone, and he started crying so when we came back, i spotted a tear strain from his eyes to his snout. That was the last time i saw Rover walk around happily before he was paralyzed. Rover was a smart dog, and he was also adorable even though he was naughty. I also remember the times where he wanted to sleep near somebody, and would come into our room to sleep. And the times nearing the later days of his life, where he would scream in the middle of the night because his inside was hurting. I would always remember his fighting spirit, where even after he was unable to move due to his joints being worn off and his lower back being paralyzed, he still braved himself through everything and fight to leave until the moment he decided to finish his last breath and wagged his tail for one last time (when he hadn't done so for very long) to my mum and he gave his last breath and finally died on tuesday 26 feb 2013, around 10 plus am, when i was having my macroeconomics paper. i didn't get to see him that morning because i stayed over my boyfriend's house to study for my paper. I should have. That's why the last time i bid Rover goodbye and kissed him on his forehead was on the 24th morning before i left for school. I kissed him and goodbye, and said i love you Rover. Rover, you are the apple of everybody's eyes, and i think the reason why you left was because you know we couldn't afford to keep you longer. You were a lovable dog and we really love you. Take care now my doggy, and always remember that Jesus loves you. Be a good dog when you are at doggie heaven and don't start biting people there k. love you very very much! we will remember you and smile at the times you were so blur yet adorable! :') Goodbye Ro ro!! Love, Hannah jie jie