the promise

well, as i was listening to Jay chou's dandelion's promise, i just decided to pause for a moment because there's so much to contemplate and reminisce suddenly. I had a good time explaining to my boyfriend about the city harvest controversies and i hadn't noticed his displeasure, but i realized that caused much thought-provoking moments in him.

he sent me a really long text after that telling me how much he appreciated my understanding towards him all these time, but he fears that one day we will lose our relationship because of a difference in belief systems.

i do believe in these stuff as well, but i honestly feel that it isn't the real issue if we ever lose our relationship, it's the love that will keep us together. the truth is, we probably can live our lives together as a couple together, a very loving couple. But my heart fears more for the part we depart this earth. There's so much uncertainty, even though i know that there's gonna be many objections and judgment coming from our surroundings, especially mine, i will not give up because of my selfishness.

However, i feel sad because my boyfriend does not understand why i am so zealous over my convictions. indeed i failed as a christian, but i am not perfect and i have limitations too. i've sinned so much yet i do not know how to turn them all back. i do however, hoped in my heart that someday he will be saved somehow. but that is just a little part buried in my heart that i probably will never be able to share with him until something major happens someday. But until that day comes, i pray that he will know God.

As for my heart, i feel that there's so much i wanna pour out right here. the truth is, i can actually imagine my future with my boyfriend, and i honestly look forward to it, just that i do have a little regret in my heart. but i dunno what's it about.

honestly, i feel that life has been really peaceful in the last few months after all that has happened, and suddenly, things are back to normal, but beyond that, there is an unspoken emptiness and silence within me. I don't think anyone has noticed that in me, and even if they did, they wouldn't say anything because the lines have been drawn clear.

But sometimes, when i look back, i feel that at that point of time, it is the most unselfish thing to do, taking a step back and even disappearing so that life can progress. I know that there's no point in talking about this now, but i fear that i would never get this chance to speak my inner thoughts and feelings as life progresses on. They probably don't know that i still think and miss them very much. In spite of all the unhappiness i faced previously, they were as a matter of fact, still very much a part of me. They were the people who taught me how to love beyond my capacity, to keep running even life isn't good, and to stay faithful and committed. They too, taught me the skills of pastoring, of speaking, of loving people and of carrying a great attitude and administrating. he was the person who taught me who i was, and he too did a lot for me. As a friend, he was the one who did things for me without complaining. and i understood that, even though subconsciously he made me doubt my worth.

i left the place i loved most mainly because of him, because i had to let him have his space as he probably feels awkward toward me, and i left also to get over him and to break my promise towards him. yes, it was all part of my wishful thinking. he might not have known it, but i did love him very much. and up to this day, i do wish we could talk like very close friends as we were in the past. But all is gone, and there's no more turning back, not even when he says anything to me, because my heart is no longer open to vulnerabilities anymore. my heart has been cased up with a thick thick layer of wall and pressure. and only opened 50% of itself to my boyfriend. i have to admit that it is not his fault. it was my own stupidity.

But now, that episode of life is already over, and the new episode of life has arrived, i'm much calm a person now, happy at times, crazy most of the times, but suppressed when i meet people in life. the only time i truly enjoy myself is when i get alone or with my boyfriend. Other than that, even my family bond has died down. :'( Nevertheless, i cannot return to my past, and life has to move on. And the truth is, i need to force myself to grow up no matter how much i lament to return back to what i always dreamt of. Time to face reality and buck up. The people that i once were so close to are slowly disappearing from my life and moved on way ahead of me as well.

nevermind that. i will continue living my life, and update on the next episode of my life again. this freaking idoitic technology made my stupid blogpost look like i'm scezophrenic lehs. lost half of my post away D: D: D: forget it.