Seeking who i really am

Sometimes, i really wonder who i really am. from the inside and the outside. Who has the power to influence me in my life's decision, and what i can do in life. i am a rebellious person by nature, i have made many wrong decisions in life, loved the wrong people, believed in the wrong people, trusted the wrong people, what else worse have i've done? thrown my face and dignity to the ground by trying to take matters into my own hands. Placed myself in a very precarious situation where i am stucked with facing people. i can no longer bring myself to face whom i once loved so dearly. I cannot blame these people, and i am not angry with them because it was my fault to begin with. And, everything was my fault, when i'm angry with them, i'm not really angry with them, i'm more angry with myself because the Root issues lies in me.

But right now i miss God so much. I miss just dwelling in His presence, in my secret place, in the place where my altar was built, i missed those quiet moments when i know i had not done anything wrong, and i was in ease & favour. i missed those moments where i had stopped looking at my lack and started looking into people's needs and prayed for them, ministered to them, being their pride and glory. Being His pride and glory. But can i get back there after sinning so much? after doing so much against God? after hurting Him and the others around me? can i be redeemed?