So much has happened in the last season, and here's me surviving all those crap and speaking what truly matters on my heart.
The things i wish to speak and scream, if i could, straight in your faces, are the things that i would say right here, right now, and i would let it rest in me, because i have already transited to a position i cannot go on further anymore. So, if you hear me, hear my cry, hear my voice, hear my frustrations and learn from them because these are the bits of my youth you would hear until i next find my purpose in life.
What do i want in life? i don't even know.
What do i seek in life? i really don't know.
What do i love in life? i'm starting to not know.
What do i treasure in life? memories. good memories. real good memories
if you hear me, hear me.
Everyday i fight a war against my thoughts just thinking about you, and how i loved every moment i spent with you, whether they were good or bad. i cherished those moments because spending my time with you made me happy, simply because i could be myself, i could just be myself. Even if it meant not being with you, or getting into any relationship with you, but just having to know that i had a best friend that was always there for me, one i could depend on when i was down, when i felt that there was no more hope in life to go on, one that would encourage me, one that i would teach new things to, and learn new things from, one that gave me the courage to carry on. One that i would be proud to call my best friend, one that becomes just like a big brother, one whom i can count on when guys bully me, or one that would ask me for counsel when you faced a girl issue, one that can scold me when i was not seeing things rightly. One that would point me to God everytime i was swaying. One that would be proud to be my best friend despite me being a girl. you were that person in my life i was so proud of. Even though i knew that there was a possibility i'd get hurt having to know that you'd like someone else someday, and eventually marry another person someday in life, but i was ready to accept them all.
i just could not accept it when you could not face me like a friend and tell me what was truly on your heart. you had to go through another person who was not tactful, and was no longer close to get the message to me. you had to do that to make me seem i did not matter to you at all and get through somebody else. it tears my heart right from the inside. you ripped my heart torn just when i thought muscles were starting to grow out of it.
i was stupid to even think that i could live on with this hurt brewing within me. I was stupid to think that i should keep keeping my world open to you so that you will overcome that awkwardness and treat me like your real friend even though i know that i will be hurt. But this hurt that came is so unexpected and caught me unprepared and it stabs me so hard that i can barely bare it. i cannot take that pain, i was thinking that pain killers would relief that pain within, but it didn't, and it could not. My heart is broken, not just wounded. All i really wanted from this friendship was the truth, even when i know it hurts a little. i wanted a true friend. a real friend who would not give me a blow the way you did.
And honestly, i am angry with you because i am hurt by you, but i still love you very much, and treat you as my best friend very much. Just like how i was angry with my mum but i loved her very much. I guess, i love you very much like an older sister, even though i am younger, but i am concerned with the things that you do and do not want you to be like any other losers. you are different, you are special and your growth means a lot to me. you were a little chick in my hands that God told me to gently let go so that you would be able to grow in Him. i let go, but i need to see progression in your life, or else all that i ever believed,did or thought was obselete. you need to overcome your problems but do it responsibly.
i'm no longer a leader because i am not a leader to begin with. i had always wanted to live a comfortable and quiet life, not one that would make me to the frontpage of newspapers and magazines. It was once my yearn to do that because i wanted to prove to my dad. but that's no longer what i want because i'm not a happy person being constricted with the code of conducts that i was never bred with. i just want a simple and happy life. One that occupies my time without having me to compromise my values yet allowing me the sense of satisfaction. i loved my life, until i had too much on my platter. i did not hid God's signal for me to rest and break, i took too much on myself and now i lost it all.
i have to climb my way back to where i came from, but it will take a while to heal my wounds inflicted by the different things in life. it has been brewing since sometime back, but yours was the final blow.
Nevertheless, i hope everything's fine with you, your mum's foot, i'm concerned, i would something if i could, not because i want to please her but because she means something to me, because she is your mum. And your bro. They make me feel like life is very simple. i don't have to worry about other things in life. That feeling that i get when i spend with my family. The feeling that family will always be family.
i know i'm very emotional and sentimental, but i guess, going through so much in life has taught me that i can't take things in life for granted. i learnt my lessons the hard way, and i really wish i can talk with you, laugh and joke the way i used to not having to worry if you'd get the wrong signals, nor you having to worry whether i get the wrong signals. Letting it be natural between us.
Finally, you were never a loser to me, you were never a lousy person, you were never a slow or stupid person to me, in fact, you were the best in my sight. Even your character, it was not ugly.
All these times i felt uncomparable to you, despite my qualifications and stature that i held in leadership, despite my so-called "success". I had my pride though, and i had this weird thing in me that caused me to wonder if i could ever find the right guy because i am not a committed girl by nature. i'm a judgmental person. i cannot love a man for real, because i'm very sensitive to people's habits and very unaccepting of them when it collided with my habits. That was my problem.
That was why i felt so mocked and insulted when you got through somebody else to say that we cannot be together because you felt i deserved better. it was what i viewed as a cruel rejection from my best friend(s).
Whatever the case, what's done cannot be undone, my heart still aches a lot, and it still yearns to come closer to you, but you won't let me into your world, and i shan't try to pry into it, i just have to find my own world and perhaps someday grow over this pain and let my muscles build in me. Maybe we'll be able to talk again someday. Nevertheless, you have successfully made me fear to open my heart to any friends already. They have all become 2nd degree friends and my heart for men has officially closed. I must Thank you for helping me become a nun. I will see you soon. i will expand my circle of friends because i am so stifled in this position now that i have officially lost so many friends from this occurrence.
Take care my dear friend
Hannah has died since the day she went into hospital. The new Hannah is somebody everybody won't like until she matures. God has to try to catch my attention but i have pleaded that he let me find who i am trying to be before anything else. Maybe i'm crazy, maybe i'm not. But i need to readjust and recaliberate my system such that it doesn't fail again.
Love,
Hannah
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