on my heart

hmms, why do i feel so burdened now? why do i feel like i'm losing it all. The power and anointing is gradually fading. What's wrong?



I just came from my literature lecture, and decided to post about something upon my heart.



MONEY.
why does it seem like my enemy. Its so ironic. I detest it, yet I want it. Feels like its really a need in my life now.

Last night my mum was sharing about one of my sister in christ whose birthday just passed recently, got into a fight with her bro. This sister, I deeply missed. I was so dampened when i heard that she felt like nobody rmbed her birthday. This feeling I understand. I was so guilty bcos i am one of the many persons who forgot abt it, even a few days after i rmbed it, but nvr did anything, thinking that the youths might hv celebrated her birthday with her. I felt like buying her smth, showing her love, and caring for her. I should hv known.

However, it daunt upon me that my funds are EXHAUSTED. Who on earth can understand my feeling? I felt so helpless.

About 2 hrs back, my literature rep asked me to bring $42 for the lit text tmr. It has poked my heart since.I spent the money that was supposed to be used to buy the text. I can't ask mum to give me more. Though I admit, it was my fault bcos the complecent thought of receiving my monthly allowance of $50 could cover up the cost.

Apparently, my hopes are DASHED. Mum can only give me $20 this month, bcos she needed to pay for the bill,my bill. My irritating dad has not put in the money. We have to thrift a little this month. I feel bad. Very bad. I don't want to keep relying on SOF, the money could be used for more needy ppl than I, i feel. Built upon that, the guilt is partially also bcos of my over-spending of funds last month at the east coast chalet. All the presents, plus all the meals, nicknacs here and there. I'm really disappointed with myself.

Now, I'm left with a good sum of $2.75 in my a/c, maybe lesser. CRAP.



FAMILY.

hmms, I love my family, but sometimes I feel a absence in the family, no matter how much effort mum puts in bring the family together, it isn't whole. I have to admit, yes God is the HEAD, the father figure of the family, but I'm missing Him. I feel so stuffed up, like, I hold my tears back, cos I can't cry. My father. Does he knows what's he's doing? Does he even care about us? So what if once upon a time he was present. So what if he's a lawyer. I feel so much resentment even though countless time I've forgiven him, but the hurt is still there. I feel like a mad person forcing my tears back into myself, now as I sit here typing all this out. I'm in school by the way. But I will not resort to any hatred, since I made up ,y mind to forgive, and love. God, do you hear me?



LIFE.

I'm gonna end the post touching on life. Life has relly been rush. Its so rushed that i can't even stop to think and cry my troubles to God. Its like I won't be able to catch up with my school work- or rather life, from the realistic way- if ever I were to stop and think and do all the sorting out of thoughts and all. Just like how Ivan put it, chucked in a corner of your mind. I feel like I'm just doing and not feeling, but a fear it ws the wrong way. NOw. As I type, I am slowly sorting out my thoughts. I have a few question to answer. (by my friends) If ever they were to read this post, I hope that they'll understand that I may seem like a anti-social bcos many times what they speak abt, I m silent for it is just me. I am not a person to ber hypocrite, tho some may feel that I am, I can't be bothered in politics, or holding power-whatsoever. I'm just person who speaks what comes to mind, and if I knew it was'nt appropriate to speak, I won't utter a word at all. All I seeked for was good friends. Where the relationship is not a facade but genuinity. Something that was positive. Insecure? of cos, different ppl has different levels of insecurities. But of cos, I won't allow my insecurities to overwhelm me. Yes, you asked me how i'm able to survive with $50 a month. Amazingly, Yes I am able. Although its so little, but I must give God all glory, for enabling me to not need More. No doubt, I receive a sum of $150 from SOF, a church ministry, but I don't intend to take it my allowance. I will return it when I earn money. I WILL DEFINITELY GIVE TO THIS FUNDING MINISTRY. Yes, hurt I may be, shamed I have been,but I'm not motivated to backslide from God. Yes, I may not feel Him now, or many times, but it is true that He's here and always here. I can't only love God bcos he bless me, but I love Him bcos I love him, and bcos I love Him, I will not give up hope, and loving ppl undeservedly, tho many reasons I hv to hate them, but simple bcos Jesus loves, I will love too. I may feel angry and displeasure with many ppl at different times, but ultimately, I will not backstab anybody bcos I believe in love. my my, I was supposed to do some research on PW, but look. I'm left with only 1/2 hr for my research and revision. If ever I were to bcom a great person, I will never give up hope on the little ppl. Little did I begin with, little will i not give.

PRE MADE DECISIONS

A lawyer. I will be better.
A christian, I will be my best.
A daughter, I will give my best.
A leader, I will pick the rest.

A sister, a friend, i will defend.
And as for christ, is eternal STAND.

Once touched, forever I'm touched. I love Jesus.